a vow is a nail

THOU: What is it must be nailed shut? A splinter in humanity, a lance through the heart cleft in two. A secret.

Is it true, Lord? That the divide between body and spirit opened up like a separating mandorla when self-determination opposed self-consciousness, and chose having over being? When in that business with the garden the will opposed conscience and said: it is not enough--I will have it all? My will. Wielded about in every direction, I want I want. The whole world ordered towards my want, which is enormous. Infinite, really.

Turns out those innocent little crushes turn devastating quickly, just as soon as reality wounds the idol and reveals what I have done. What have I done? Made vegetable love. "They know not what they do."

The crown of thorns? The longing thicket wrapped around the head and stuck fast in the mind, the idle thorn through which love finds a way. But so often not before the damage has been done. You were like a berry to be plucked for my winery. The ripest, the reddest. Which is why the ancients associated prostitution with idolatry, for it makes a commodity of the body, of the center of the body--which is probing every moment for absolute possession: an end to desire. A resting place.

The body is aroused. It does not turn towards you, Lord. It says: what am I to do with all this? The passion of the Lord does not quell me. I will not be quelled. What do I want with integrity?

I will turn you into the thing that I want. I will use you for my purposes. I will know you so well I will have mastered your want, turned it towards me, and left you trembling for what you know full well you cannot have from me, that's what I'll do.

And if you will not be turned, I will annihilate you.

Turns out I have more in common with the man with the knife than I do with his victim. The chaste mind expunges its red idols, those most secret and dear, the father ones, the angry ones, the murderous ones.

And if in a passion I hold you fast to your passion, you will not complete your crucifixion within me--"It is finished"--I will not let you.

What do I want with integrity? (Another longing:)

Personhood.

In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. To God who is, who was, and who is to come, now and forever.

Amen.

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6. ... Yet I cannot but remark that it is not only said, As one taken away from milk, such may be my soul's reward; but with this addition, As one taken away from milk when upon his mother's breast, such may be my soul's reward. Here there is somewhat that induces me to consider it a curse. For it is not an infant, but a grown child that is taken away from milk; he who is weak in his earliest infancy, which is his true infancy, is upon his mother's breast: if perchance he has been taken away from the milk, he perishes. It is not without a reason then that it is added, Upon his mother's breast. For all may be weaned by growing. He who grows, and is thus taken away from milk, it is good for him; but hurtful for him who is still upon his mother's breast. We must therefore beware, my brethren, and be fearful, lest any one be taken away from milk before his time....Let him not therefore wish to lift up his soul, when perchance he is not fit to take meat, but let him fulfil the commandments of humility. He has wherein he may exercise himself: let him believe in Christ, that he may understand Christ. He cannot see the Word, he cannot understand the equality of the Word with the Father, he cannot as yet see the equality of the Holy Spirit with the Father and the Word; let him believe this, and suck it. He is safe, because, when he has grown, he will eat, which he could not do before he grew by sucking: and he has a point to stretch towards. Seek not out the things that are too hard for you, and search not the things that are above your strength; that is, things which you are not as yet fit to understand. And what am I to do? you reply. Shall I remain thus? But what things the Lord has commanded you, think thereupon always. Sirach 3:22 What has the Lord commanded you? Do works of mercy, part not with the peace of the Church, place not your trust in man, tempt not God by longing for miracles....

7. For if you be not exalted, if you raise not your heart on high, if you tread not in great matters that are too high for you, but preserve humility, God will reveal unto you what you are otherwise minded in. Philippians 3:15 But if you choose to defend this very thing, which you are otherwise minded about, and with pertinacity assert it, and against the peace of the Church; this curse which he has described is entailed upon you; when you are upon your mother's breast, and are removed away from the milk, you shall die of hunger apart from your mother's breast. But if you continue in Catholic peace, if perchance you are in anything otherwise minded than ye ought to be, God will reveal it to you, if you be humble. Wherefore? Because God resists the proud, and gives grace unto the humble.

--St Augustine, Exposition of Psalm 131

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