THOU: And the days have gone by (full of work) and I have fallen away, as I predicted, from my vigil. I begin to forget my questions, how they press me towards you with urgency and a lot of discomfort, and sometimes with affliction. I get into a passionate rage and read furiously for you. I call Fr and wait for him to bring you to me, cupped in his phone. I write you out. I make a vow.
Like a cry.
But then there is work, and though I am lazy, I am also very focused. I finish and look ahead, finish and look ahead. I keep my head down, write syllabi, email, read 500 submissions, prepare for class, talk and talk, pack, get in a car, get on a plane, fly away, talk some more. In the morning I am too anxious to pray. At night, I am too tired.
When I am tired I am also bored. I say, Lord I am heavy bored. This wilderness is not interesting. I have forgotten my questions. I look around. I see you on the fixed point of the horizon, unmoving, and how far afloat I've drifted. What was I about to say, Lord? Stupid mind: why does it forget what it wants to know? What was my question?
The question is: what now, Lord? What comes next?
(But there is no next.)
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G - take heart. The marketplace is a terrible dissipation when we are just beginning on the unitive journey. It takes many years to become perfectly attuned to the beloved partner.
And I still haven't baptized S!
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